Joe O'Shea column: How Fungie the Dingle dolphin is Ireland's biggest lie

We're heading into high summer – a time when the people of Dingle in Co Kerry will be making a fortune out of Ireland’s Biggest Lie.

I refer, of course, to the national scandal that is Fungie the Dingle Dolphin and the massive, ongoing cover-up being perpetrated by the people of Dingle, Kerry County Council, the Healy-Raes and (probably) the CIA.

Was there ever a single dolphin called Fungie? Probably, for a couple of years when he was first sighted way back in 1983.

But do the maths, people. The average lifespan for a bottle-nose dolphin in the wild is less than 17 years.

So even if Fungie was a baby back in 1983 – he’d be well over double the natural age of every other wild dolphin on the planet. Fungie? They are taking us for eejits.

The rumour is that the “real” Fungie got tired of performing tricks for Yank tourists some time back in the late 80s and wanted out of the racket. But by then it was too late.

He was basically driving the whole South Kerry economy and already knew too much.

Some locals wanted to offer him a kind of Dolphin Witness Relocation Programme.

But the South Kerry Mafia weren’t prepared to take the risk.

There’s only one way out of the shady end of the tourism business in the Kingdom and it’s in a box (or in the real Fungie’s case a tin – and it wasn’t marked Dolphin Friendly).

No, the truth is there’s been a string of Fungies since the late 80s.

There’s actually a top secret Fungie Cloning Facility outside Annascaul. It’s the same place they turn out Healy-Raes.

The nightmare scenario is that the scientists get mixed up and we have Fungie Healy-Rae up on his flipper in the Dail, squeaking about fixing the roads round Ventry.

Think that’s far-fetched?

Well think about this. Down in Kerry there’s lads walking around on a pier saying to people, “Howya! Would you like to pay 30 euros for the family to see a 60-year-old Dolphin?”